Canada is Not Happy

Canada is Not Happy

Canadian officials are more than a little upset over the results of our 2016 election.  No, not so much about President Trump, but more about what didn’t happen.  Explains Canada Tourism czar Henley Matthews, “We were given assurances from some A list celebrities and others that they would be moving here if Trump won.”  ‘Well here it, is three months later.  Now, we are being told, it was all a big joke.  They were never coming.  Just a big joke. ‘Hundreds of phone calls, emails, and big plans to welcome them.  And, now its one big laugh.”  ‘Well we are not laughing.”

Henley is referring to Operation StarGlide,a program to help the stars with their transition.  Henley had also designed the Celebrity Villages.  Celebrity Villages are state of the art living quarters for the ultimate privacy.  ”I was able to get a budget to build each celebrity their own living pod.”   “It was a go to plan to until they got settled here.  ”You know the usual suspects, Baldwin, Stewart, Rosie, Whoopi.”  “Imagine an Olympic Village, but instead of co-habitating with serious athletes, you would bump into Cher, Streisand or Chelsea Handler.”  To recreate their living environment, Henley had out fitted each pod with a huge mylar dome.”  “We heard that they all live in bubbles.”

“America has a surplus of celebrities.  With reality TV even an overload.”  “We took in your draft dodgers.  So, now you owe us.”  Matthews was quickly reminded we took in Justin Bieber and Michael Moore.

It was believed that The Donald had no chance when Clooney and Springsteen guaranteed his defeat.  ”Who was going to question those cultural icons?” mused Henley.  That election night when Trump took Florida, the champagne corks popped and Henley was ready to move into plan B.  But four days later, no one in America was returning their calls.  “We learned they weren’t coming by watching TMZ.  ”For me, that was my execution, since I had spearheaded Operation StarGlide.”

“We even had a parade planned and all of our Canadian stars were going to fly in to see it.”  “We prepared full time grief counselors.  And, something very cutting edge, misogyny therapists who would listen and agree with all their anger towards men, and of course Trump.  We were also ready to deal with the white supremacy guilt that has become very fashionable these days among affluent liberals and easily led college students, kind of like the man bun.”

Since no celebs are following through on their very public statements, Henley sadly has reconfigured Operation Starglide“  ”We are going to have to settle for less.”  Friends of stars, relatives, personal assistants will be considered.  “Although there was one suprise phone call form Huma Abedin.”  She was interested for her and Anthony, but stressed their pod would have no wifi.”  Understandable.

“Amy Schumer had contacted us to perform at the huge Gala, but we were afraid.”  Afraid she might be dirty, we assumed.”  “No, afraid she might bring her Uncle Charlie Schumer.  He might cry, no one wants that.  ‘I was on the phone with Cher’s hairstylist.  I told him, you are not a celebrity if you have to wear a name tag.”
“You want to know how bad it is?  I have a two o clock skype with Clinton.”  Which one we wondered?  Bill?  Hillary?  “No” he confessed,”its with Roger.”  “I actually think, him and Bill have plans to turn it into a bachelor Pod.”

“Its so disappointing because this is the same thing that happened when Bush 43 was running for office.  They said they would all leave America and relocate over here,” Henley said.  “But this time they insisted they were serious.  ”Well you know what, Never again!”

Jack Simmons

Jack Simmons is a stand comic and writer.  Originally from NY, Jack spent 14 years in LA.  There, he was a member of Hollywood Congress of Republicans and FOA.  Simmons enjoys writing about the culture more than the politics, although he feels its getting harder to tell them apart.  Jack is also a musician, and plays blues harmonica.  He has written two songs:  ‘I’m Offended” And Everyone’s a Racist.”  Both were written in 2008.  Jack now lives In NY;

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