An Empire In Retrospect

This is a hypothetical conversation with a little boy one night before bed. It takes place 10,000 years in the future because he doesn’t know what America is and so he’s asked his mother. This conversation would be in a foreign language that is mostly texted telepathically. In lieu of doing that, I’ve translated:

Mom: (pointing on a map) “At one time, that was a great country. It lasted 600 years or so, which is not long compared to China or Japan but at their peak they were a magical society. You know, in restaurants they would take little birds and fry them. It was their country’s delicacy. They called it Fried Chicken. They also made pies out of apples. We still do that today but they were doing it way back then, it’s what they served on holidays.”

Boy: “Did you say birds? Ew, birds are only in zoos, I’d never eat that.”

Mom: “And they had spas. And pools! Like large baths in their backyards. Well, the wealthy ones did. They had much more land back then. Oh, and they invented the Internet. That’s where it came from before it was our system today. When they first started using digital, that was the only thing people had for their cameras…think how behind they’d have been without Saint Steve Jobs. That’s why we have Applemas, the holiday where magic Apples come and leave candy behind.”

Boy: “That was before the 3D InterTouchpad.”

Mom: “Yes, they were just starting to use 3D but didn’t have the touch capability yet. They would just watch stuff but they couldn’t touch it. Some of the first 3D movies came out in that country. People were so surprised. They wore red and blue glasses to see it.”

Boy: “Why, they couldn’t see?”

Mom: “Oh they could see. But in fact, not everyone could see perfectly back then. If you didn’t have good eyesight they’d make you wear circles of glass to correct it. Now they fix it before you are born.”

Son: “(laughs) Wow, that’s so weird.”

Mom: “And they had something called cancer. If you got it, you didn’t always know if you were going to live. Now they just give you a shot and send you home but back then it was a very serious thing. People died from it all the time.”

Son: “Wow, great great grandma wouldn’t be alive today if we still had cancer like that.”

Mom: “No, she wouldn’t. The life expectancy was around 75. Now we live double that. And they were all much bigger than we are now. They used their bodies for physical activity more but they didn’t have the brain capacity that we do. Well they did, but they didn’t know how to use it yet. They had something called sports that they played outside. The sky was blue then. And they had these scantily clad girls (for that era), doing dances at the sports. The guys would love it.”

Son: “So it was safe then?”

Mom: “Oh yes. Most of the country was safe at that time. It was illegal to burn things down or kill another human being. It wasn’t like the scary place it is today. They had prisons and a judicial system. It was similar but not as developed as the Commune Democratic Free Health Care Parliament of China that we have today. You know, back then, theater actors were really revered. They were almost considered royalty. Ryan Gosling might as well have been a king as he’s the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. And ladies did this odd thing where they had liquid filled balloons put in their breasts. People thought that was great. It was a big symbol of attraction. The bigger your breasts were, the prettier they thought a lady was.”

Son: “That’s gross.”

Mom: “Well, to them it was pretty. Of course some people died from it but they didn’t know how bad it was for you back then. And Michael Jackson? The one you learned about in 20th century ancient music class? He was from America too. So were Mark Twain, Neil Armstrong, Martin Luther King, Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein, a lot of people.”

Son: “It sounds like a cool place. I didn’t know what it was when the teacher assigned it but that’s pretty dope* (loose translation, he mumbled). I’d like to be an American.”

Mom: “And for a time, many in the world felt that way. Goodnight son.”

Son: “Goodnight Mom. I love you.”

Tags: An Empire In Retrospect, Kam Heskin

This entry was posted on January 13, 2012 at 6:02 am and is filed under Kam Heskin, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.