November 28, 2011

In the beginning, the American created the super market and the small business. And the stores were without form, and void, and darkness lay upon the faces of the deep, and the spirit of the American hovered over the cities and the American said “Let there be Thanksgiving,” and there was Thanksgiving.

And the American saw that the Thanksgiving was good. And the American separated Thanksgiving from the Friday. The American called Thursday Thanksgiving, and the Friday he called Black Friday. And there were super markets and small businesses opening for turkey and for stuffing, the first day.

And the American said, “Let there be department stores in the midst of the small businesses, and let them separate the super markets from the small businesses.” And the American made department stores and separated the super markets that were under the expanse from the small businesses. And it was so. And the American called the expanse the shopping center. And there was Black Friday starting in the evening and in the morning, the second day.

And the American said, “Let the grocery stores, small businesses and department stores be gathered together into one place, and let this appear.” And it was so. The American called this place the mall, and the small businesses, kiosks and department retailers that were gathered together he called stores. And the American saw that it was good.

And the American said, “Let there be sales in the small businesses to separate Black Friday from the Small Business Saturday. And let them be for neighborhood sale signs and for local discounts, and for days and years, and let them be locally supported in the expanse of the retail to give prosperity upon the community.” And it was so. The American set consumers in the expanse of retail to give prosperity in the local community, to rule over the Small Business Saturday. And the American saw that it was good. And there was shopping in the evening and there was shopping in the morning, the third day.

Thus the stores and the malls were finished, and all the host of them. And on the Sunday the American finished his work that he had done, and he created the Internet before he rested on Sunday from all his work that he had done.

And the American said, “Let other men shop, each according to its kind, in grocery stores, small businesses, department stores, the malls or on the Internet.” And it was so. The shopping brought forth happiness to consumers and prosperity to proprietors. And the American saw that it was good. And on Monday, the American created Cyber Monday and there was shopping in the evening and in the morning, the fourth day.

And the American blessed them. And the American said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the malls and subdue it and have dominion over the store discounts and over the Internet deals.” And the American said, “Behold, I have given you the ability to earn a living in your community, and the ability to prosper. You shall make money for food. And it was so.  And the American saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.

And that’s how Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday were born!

And in case anyone was wondering, the new “2012” hoodie can keep an Obama supporter you know—or you—warm all winter. And for today only (Cyber Monday), get $5 off the regular price of $55!  Whoever said the socialist occupying the White House isn’t an “evil” capitalist?!  Seriously, $55 for a hoodie is evil!  And for the record, Romney is selling “Believe in America” hoodies for $50 and for today only (Cyber Monday) you can get 30% off!

I suppose the volume business is better on the Romney side than on the Obama side… and, no, I don’t expect Obama, who has the business acumen of a brick, to understand that point.

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  1. Spaceghost on November 29, 2011 at 9:17 am

    >>Whoever said the socialist occupying the White House isn’t an “evil” capitalist?!

    You’re aware that the money doesn’t go to Obama himself, right? Cause that would be a really stupid thing to think about campaign merchandise sales, but after reading the above, what else is one to think?

    >>Seriously, $55 for a hoodie is evil!

    You’re aware that there’s nothing remotely new about campaign merchandise and events being pricey, right? I mean, gee, if $55 for a hoodie is so evil, where were you when things like THIS were going on?

    $50K! Just for dinner at the table with McCain, who didn’t even win! The mere tickets for the reception were $2,300 a pop!

    My goodness, you must have REALLY thrown a hissy fit when you heard about that. Otherwise, it’d be almost like you’re a deranged Obama-hating douchebag with blatant double standards.


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