I consider myself intelligent and well read. I voraciously read everything from Kant to Dostoyevsky to Spinoza. I make sure I am seen in coffeehouses reading them with the covers prominently displayed so that I look smart. I have a confession to make: behind closed doors, hidden in my bathroom away from any witnesses, I am a devout and prolific reader of Cosmopolitan and other women’s magazines such as Marie Claire, Glamour and Vogue. I also love In Style and Elle. Oh, and Shape and Harpers Bazaar and W. I am an authority on such diverse subjects as “Why my Thighs are Too Fat” to “What His Smile Means” to “8 Ways to Wow Him in Bed.” I have been greatly influenced to “Dress to Get Noticed.” -I apologize to everyone at Aunt Edna’s funeral for the miniskirt without panties: I now know that there are times you should let others take center stage.
The Majestic Woman - Al Shamikha
Women’s magazines have influenced me greatly to change how I look, how I act, and most importantly, to never be satisfied with myself. They control my thoughts and my relationships with men. Which is why I am rather impressed with Al Qaeda’s understanding of a basic rule of the female psyche: that you can use women’s magazines to control women. Armed with this knowledge, Al Qaeda is debuting a magazine to appeal to the female Jihaddist. It is based on Cosmopolitan and the first issue will have skincare tips and how to marry a suicide bomber. The second issue will have skin exfoliation tips, how to use social networking to recruit terrorists and how to marry a suicide bomber. The magazine is called Al-Shamikha or “The Majestic Woman”.
I have procured a translation of the Table of Contents:
Fashion/Beauty
- Your Last Chance to Make a Good Impression: What to Wear to Your Stoning (Page 3).
- Staying Inside and Other Ways to Keep Your Complexion Perfect (Page 4).
- Is Black the New Black? How Black Eyes Have Become the Trend of the Year. (Page 6).
- Burkha Woes: How to Stand Out in Your Facebook Profile Picture (Page 7).
Financial Advice
- Your Husband Makes The Ultimate Sacrifice to Kill the Infidel Zionist: Susie Ormandaffi Gives Advice on What to Do With the $25,000 Payment Plus Tips on How to Find a Rich Suicide Bomber. (Page 9).
Food/Keeping a Home
- How to Pick the Perfect Little Black Dress that No One Will See You In and Other Ways to Make Staying Inside the House Fun. (Page 11).
- Making the Perfect Hummus: This Garlicky Take on an Old Treat Will Guarantee That Your Man will Force Sex on You and Not His Other Wives for Seven Days (Page 15).
- “This is the Will of Allah (And Other Affirmations While Your Husband is Beating You) (Page 17).
Profile
- When Pain Doesn’t Hurt Anymore: Forgetting Earthly Joys in Favor of the Koran: Special Guest Mufti Haj Jabbar Abdul Kareem. This Most Honorable Scholar of the Koran who has declared 5,000 Fatwa’s Against Infidels Gives Advice on Being a Good Muslim Woman. (Page 19).
Beefcake Section
- Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Poses Without his Shirt: Exploring the Thousand-Year Werewolf Trend among Arab Men. (Page 423).
Sex/Love
- Standing out Among 6 Wives: How to Wow Him in Bed Without Getting Beaten for Being a Whore (Page 425).
- 6 Ways to Enjoy Your Clitoris Before Your Aunt Cuts it Off. (Page 427).
- Making His Last Night Count: How to Make Sure He Comes to You Instead of a Western Strip Club His Last Night Alive Before He Kills himself while carrying out the suicide bombing against the Zionist Infidels. (Page 428).
Al-Shamikha is based on Cosmo: in it, there is advice that is reflective of the Jihaddi culture from advice on staying inside to which suicide bomber is the right suicide bomber to marry. Cosmo plies Western women with rules that reflect our culture: we have to worry about whether to tease or flat iron our hair before our “quiet date at home” wherein we cook the perfect “Engagement Chicken Dinner” while we “Figure out What He’s Thinking” so that we can “Amaze Him With Our Conversation”. Then later, take him to bed and “Give Him the Perfect Blow Job” while trying to effortlessly find the “Secret Spot on His Testicles That Will Make Him Crazy”. We have to do all of this while making sure the red gel we put on our lamp to “Make Our Bedroom More Seductive” supplies us with the perfect lighting as we try to “Give Ourselves the Perfect Angle to Hide Our Unsightly Cellulite and Tummy Pooch”. Then after we finish, we have to “Think Like a Man” and let him fall asleep and not expect cuddling or a commitment and remember “Not to Text Him Too Much The Next Day.” The list of rules for The Koran is shorter. It makes me wonder if Cosmo has become our Koran. Women in Islam enforce the culture like the dress codes to performing genital mutilations with pride to teaching the points of Islam to the next generation. Women edit and write Cosmo and are harsher on each other than men could ever be on women and it looks like Al-Shamikha is following in that vein. Perhaps both cultures would be less harsh to women if women would ease up on each other and their children. I for one am going to try: the next time my husband thinks a girl is “hot” and I look at her and only see her big nose and jiggling thighs and wonder how he can possibly find her attractive, I will ease up on her and look at her pretty smile and thin waist. Maybe I will even do the impossible: maybe I will ease up on myself.
For a link to the article about Al-Shamikha (lest you think I’m such a genius I’ve made all of this up)
http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/16/al-qaedas-cosmo/
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