Welcome back to my new weekly column about the “lighter side” of today’s news stories. That’s right I said “weekly column”. Due to the extreme popularity of last week’s article “This, That and the Other Thing” Frank and I decided to turn this into a weekly thing. Well here goes and I hope you like it.
Walter Breuning of Great Falls Montana holds a very unique distinction in the world today. You see yesterday he celebrated his 114th birthday and that makes him only the sixth man ever documented to reach the grand old age of 114. By the way there have been about 70 women who have reached that milestone.
Robert Young, an expert on gerontology and moon lights as a fact-checking consultant for the Guinness Book of World Records, says Walter is in elite company when it comes to living a long life.
Young said, “He’s a man. Nine out of ten people that are aged 110 are females, and by age 112 it’s 92% female. By age 115, 95% (are) female. So for him to be getting up there in the 114 range is getting to a range where very few males have ever reached that age.”
So guys just remember when you tell your lovely lady you’re going out with the boys and she gives you this sly Mona Lisa grin she DOES know something you don’t.
On Wednesday September 8th Earth came very close to having a close encounter of the deadly kind. Two asteroids managed to sneak into the space between the Earth and the moon and warp past at close to 22 thousand miles per hour. Even though our two NEO’s (Near Earth Objects) were only 55 feet in diameter they did come pretty darn close, about 50 thousand miles close, to ruining someone’s day. Most astronomers said both would have probably burned up in the atmosphere and never really hit the Earth but it makes one stop and think how fragile life really is on Earth. YA THINK!!!!!
NASA says top US scientists are working on a defense that will protect us from this sort of thing happening in the future and they promise it won’t involve Bruce Willis jumping in a space shuttle. If you’d like to see exactly what NASA’s has come up with the link is below. It’s a good read.
Well America’s favorite new organization, no it’s not Fox, remember I said “News Organization”, has decided to do a weekly segment called “The Lighter Side of the News”. Al Jazeera, according to “The Onion”, tried something completely different by launching the Lighter Side, airing at the bottom of the hour during non-peak times. This and I quote, was their lead story.
“And now, we have something a little different for you,” anchor Jihan Jalami said, turning from coverage of violence in Najaf.
“It seems a certain suicide bomber paid the price for his sloppy job Sunday, when he failed to annihilate a Jerusalem pizza parlor and himself along with it. After numerous attempts to detonate the homemade device hidden under his shirt, the bomber gave up and ordered lunch! Can you imagine the relieved look on that restaurant owner’s face?!” Continued Jalami: “The blundering bomber was well into his third slice of pizza when responding Mossad agents killed him and wounded two bystanders in a hail of gunfire.”
Where’s Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd when you need them. “Jane you ignorant slut.”
Forbes Magazine was all excited as Tiger Woods closed on another milestone “The World’s First Athlete to earn over A Billion Dollars” in the course of his career. Of course that was before his ex wife did a little “Driving” of her own. But according to Peter Struck from “Lapham’s Quarterly” they were way off the mark. That distinction already belongs to Gaius Appuleius Diocles, a Lusitanian Spaniard, who raced chariots in the Circus Maximus of Ancient Rome. That’s right he was the Ben-Hur of his day netting the staggering sum of 35,863,120 sesterces in prize money. That’s close to $15 Billion by today’s standards. When he turned 42 he decided he had raced enough and retired. Are you listening Brett Favre?
When Sarah Palin decided to enter the world of “Big Boy” politics every late night talk show host began licking their lips in anticipation of a gold mine of future jokes and it appears good ol’ Sarah has not let them down. Her latest plunge into the world of Etymology has been one for the books. In a tweet on her tweet site regarding the mosque in New York she wrote and I quote, “peaceful muslims should “refudiate” the mosque being built in New York City.” Refudiate? Really. My spell check is still trying to correct that one. Google said “refudiate” was the “Most Frequently Searched Word for the Summer of 2010.” Of course there is no such word except in the ex governors stinted vocabulary. But to her credit she did correct the error. After deleting the tweet, Palin replaced it with another calling on “peaceful New Yorkers” to refute the Ground Zero mosque plan.” Where “refute” is a real word meaning “to prove wrong by argument or evidence” “repudiate” is probably the word she was looking for. Then to make matters worse she added this…
“Refudiate,” “misunderestimate,” “wee-wee’d up.” English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!
So now she’s comparing herself to Shakespeare. Gotta love it. Marilisa Kinney Sachteleben of OMG Yahoo News Network said it best in her article, “Sarah Palin’s ‘Refudiate’ is Most Frequent Internet Search Word for Summer 2010”, “Then of course we shake our heads; ‘refudiate’, like Sarah Palin sounds good and genuine. But it’s not real.”
After doing some research I was able to actually find a video of Sarah Palin’s supposed voice coach. The link to the video is below.
And finally, at Dulles Airport during the Labor Day Weekend, customs officials noticed a very suspicious package that had just arrived from Ghana. According to the Washington Post,
“U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents say a traveler arriving from the West African nation tried to bring in 14 Giant African Land Snails with him. Each of the slimy creatures was about the size of a child’s fist.”
The snails, originally from East Africa, are believed to be one of the world’s worst invasive species because they can severely damage crops.
The snails can grow to be nearly 8 inches long and 4 inches tall. They are illegal in the United States. Agriculture officials believe they may have been brought to the U.S. to be “eaten.”
I wonder if Gordon Ramsey has a recipe for giant slugs. If not I’m sure the French do. Bon Appetite everyone and “Watch the Skies”.